Too many Jiu Jitsu friends? People rushing to be your mat buddy for class? Is the academy just too enjoyable for the others around you?
You’re probably too good of a teammate! No worries! We can work on that. Here are 5 ways you can suck at being a drilling partner:
(1) Priority One: Resist.
You are the golden god of grappling. Never been swept. Never been submitted. Never even been passed. Stay up, King! Real talk tho… if you allow your partner to get a successful rep, all your darkest fears will come true. Coach will see and you won’t get promoted. Armbar Soap and Shoyoroll will walk back their sponsorship deals. Also, your girlfriend will probably leave you for a lower belt.
So, pretend you’re sunk in concrete when your partner is trying to figure out the angle on that sweep. Hide your neck like a kilo of Kush when they try repping that choke. Go full rigor motis when he tries to move your limbs in any way, because you’d rather die than let this crap happen. He doesn’t need to get a feel for the mechanics of the move. He needs to get a feel for YOUR DOMINANCE!
(2) Quick! We need you to fix the technique that was just shown.
“Ok now that coach has finally stopped talking, THIS is how I do that move…” I mean… sure, you’ve been training 6 months but you’ve got this down. You totally subbed that brown belt at open mat and there’s no friggin way he was letting you work. Professor would absolutely let you run class if it wouldn’t piss off the purple belts.
Ignore that there could be any reason this move is being taught this way. There’s certainly no way you could benefit from learning another option or adding a detail. Make sure your partner doesn’t go down the wrong path of following some guy’s instruction who’s only qualification for being up there teaching is that they’ve been training 20 times longer than you.
(3) GO LIMP!
Ok… Your new spirit animal is a grocery bag full of egg yolks. Imagine if the ooze from Ghost Busters 2 were poured into an A3. They’re supposed to sweep you, right? Why not just go ahead and sweep yourself?!
I guess they COULD go buy an 80-pound bag of sand to play x-guard on, but whatever. Just plop on to the mat like the mammoth excrement of a Great Dane. Wither like a southern debutant on the chase when she gets the vapors in the July heat. Melt away from the technique like the true believers in those bull-shido internet videos when the “master” hits them with a psychic blast of self-delusion. Slug power!
(4) Talk. About. Anything.
Politics! News! Obscure facts about opossums! Everything’s on the table, chief! How will your partner know that both AC Slayter AND Zack Morris train BJJ or that Keanu Reeves worked with the Machado’s to get ready for John Wick if you don’t tell him WHILE DRILLING!?!?!
There are so many distractions outside of practice. Now your partner can really take in the nuances of your stance on vaccine mandates. Sure, you did your reps and then took the rest of the time to verbally describe that meme you need to show them but it was super funny, tho… Ha…! *sigh… Oh! Crap! Coach is showing something else and they didn’t get to rep the move. Bummer… Still, that meme was DOPE! So, don’t wait till after class to share your love of Witcher fan-fiction, the time and money they spend to be at the gym is well worth it for your funny anecdotes.
(5) Neglect basic hygiene.
Did you leave that sweaty gi in your trunk for two days? It’s fine to train in it again without washing it. Forget the mints. Your breath probably doesn’t smell like a dog farted on an ashtray. Running late after a 10-hour shift at the onion soup factory? Skip the shower. Because you need to be there for every second of class to learn how you can slice your partner to pieces with those jagged raptor talons you call nails. Vega was my favorite Street Fighter character too! Cheers to you, Dookie Uke! AKA: Rickson GASSY! Your gi may be yellow but your heart is gold.
Oh, and that funky spot on your arm (that’s definitely not ringworm because you Googled it) will clear up on its own.
Now, if you’d rather “mAkE yOuR tEaMmAtEs BeTtEr” and “NOT BE A SCRUB” then just keep on considering the needs of people around you. By all means, pay attention to what the uke needs to do to receive the move and create a good rep for your teammate. But don’t come crying to me when people start being glad to see you at the gym. Awe… upper belts are showing you stuff and your jiu jitsu is getting more technical…? Tough tacos, ombre! You did that to you!
By Josh Oldfield