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Christian Mom Group Leader gets Crucified

    This past Saturday, a Christian mom group mistakenly showed up at a Jiu-Jitsu seminar focused on the “Crucifix” grappling position. On the third Saturday of every month, the group meets at a different place to learn more about religion, escape their children, support each other, and eat a lot of snacks. This time the moms decided to expand their knowledge by attending a “Crucifix Seminar,” but it wasn’t exactly what they expected. The group thought the plan was to meet at a seminar focused on the Crucifixion of Jesus. However, someone didn’t do their homework as the group of moms showed up at a Jiu-Jitsu seminar, attempted to call the police and one found herself arrested for assault.

    The seminar was led by Jiu-Jitsu legend Baret Yoshida, who was surprised when the group of confused, middle-aged moms arrived with Bibles and Peppermint Mochas. Baret quickly explained that everyone was willingly participating in strangling each other and asked them to stop calling the police. After debating with Baret and getting a mild contact high, the Christian group decided to join the seminar and learn about the “Crucifix” after all. The paranoid women of God learned to restrain each other with their bodies in a way that symbolizes a cross. After physically securing one another in the symbolically religious position, Baret walked them through a variety of ways to strangle each other.

    The group’s President, Karen, was the first to step barefoot on the mat and accept Jiu-Jitsu as the new way of life. The rest of the ladies followed behind their leader and were overwhelmed with joy in their new discovery together. Unfortunately, halfway through the seminar, Karen got overly excited and choked her partner unconscious while also breaking their arm. In what other attendees are calling an “uncontrollable rage”, she proceeded to attack others with calf kicks and tiger claw punches. Fortunately, Baret executed a blast-double takedown and restrained her with the crucifix position until the police arrived. 

    After the commotion and the departure of Karen, the seminar resumed with the rest of the group sticking around. At the conclusion, Baret passed out joints to the new emotional white belts who are reported to have all signed up for year-long memberships. It looks like Jiu-Jitsu picked up some new lifelong students this past weekend. Unfortunately for Karen, Jiu-Jitsu isn’t for everybody

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