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Human Chess Master Craig Jones Suspected in Anal Beads Cheating Scandal

    Not to be out done by recent news from the Game of Kings, the sport of Human Chess, or Brazilian Jiu Jitsu, has also become entangled in public controversy. Second Best Grappler in the World and Head Instructor at B-Team Mexican Ground Karate, Craig Jones, is yet another hero to be tarnished in this recent rash of disappointing cheating scandals.

    Rumors began to swirl after Craig’s surprisingly better than mediocre showing at the 2022 ADCC Worlds in September. Many began to wonder what had “gotten into” the grappler who by all indications was well past his prime.

    A few short weeks ago thousands of Las Vegas onlookers along with millions of dudes who borrowed their buddy’s Flo Grappling password were amazed to see Jones’ opening gambit, shooting a Juicy-Double on Kyle Boehm before finishing with a Guillotine. Jones pulled a second win out of his coin slot, submitting Joao Costa quickly with his signature Choi Bar.

    Greater still was Jones’ pegging of Nicholas Merigali in a decisive and definitive (Ref’s Decision) victory over the deeply experienced no-gi competitor. But hopes of a gold were sadly flushed away and Craig was unable to get to fifth base, as Kaynan Duarte took the back of Jones early in the finals, locking up a Body Triangle and getting the tap with a Short Choke.

    In the weeks since, the Jiu Jitsu community has been baffled at Craig’s storied run leaving some to wonder if the Aussie had a little something special in his roo pouch. Now, a Reddit user’s wild theory has gone viral and is at the center of the controversy with some experts saying it might not be so ridiculous after all.

    Sharing a story about the recently defamed chess master, Hans Neimann, Reddit user Toomuchinternet999, posted in the sub-reddit channel r/bjj including a news link with the caption “THIS is how Craig did it!” Readers unfamiliar with this story should know that Mr. Neimann is under scrutiny for allegedly receiving vibrating morse-code messages from a chess supercomputer via anal beads to secretly advise his play during tournament performances (A REAL FREAKING STORY!!!). But could the perpetual silver medalist, Jones, really have been receiving messages through HIS prison wallet?

    As experts weighed in and legitimacy for this outlandish theory grew, celebrities in the Jiu Jitsu world began to take sides. Coming to his former student’s aid during a recent podcast appearance, John Danaher remarked, “Those of us who have trained with Craig, know him inside and out. This is not in him. Further, this is not a sound strategy. The mind does its best work when the heart is cold – that’s when you can think and calculate with the least interference from your passions…”

    Thus far Jones’ only words on the matter came in the form of a tweet, saying, “Crikey! There’s nothin at all in my cinnamon ring! Just ask Nicky Rod! He’s up there all the time!”

    Gabi Garcia, arm wrestling champion and TestoMax spokeswoman, chimed in with a surprisingly witty quip, “Winners never cheat and Craig never wins.” When asked if this was the real reason the promised super-fight with Jones was never scheduled, Garcia refused to comment.

    ADCC organizer, Mo Jassim, has not waivered form his initial statement, “Referees, score keepers, and other officials noticed no anomalies in Mr. Jones’ play. Though not strictly against the rules, anything up a competitor’s balloon knot except their opponent is highly frowned upon.”

    Jiu Jitsu is likely to never be the same as this is the first ever hint of any illegal performance enhancing efforts in competition. Speaking first in English and then in Portuguese, fellow ADCC competitor, Andre Galvao had this to say on IG, “It’s a shame that we have to doubt whether or not someone is putting something in their body to give them an advantage. I’m a firm believer in competing all-natural. Also, my instructionals are 50% off in my store for you guys. I love my fans so much. Obrigado.”

    Editorial by Josh Oldfield

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