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“Jocko” Themed Birthday Party Gone Wrong

Five suburban dads were arrested after a Jocko-themed birthday party went wrong. Eight children were also taken to the local hospital with minor injuries.

Police were called to a suburb near Dallas, Texas on early Sunday morning. Multiple calls came to the local police department with some wild complaints stemming from a residential neighborhood. The calls ranged from late-night firearm discharges to grown men yelling vulgar cut-downs and a few calls claiming they heard children screaming, “Who’s gonna carry the boats?” 

It appears the children were being forced to compete in a series of events at a “Navy Seal” themed birthday party. The events ranged from a 15-mile run, a jiu-jitsu competition, a water-treading contest, and a boat-carrying competition. During each event, the dads would yell obscenities into megaphones and throw buckets of water at the 10-year-olds. The “sleepover party” ended abruptly at 5 am when the police arrived. 

In a backyard full of empty Molk protein containers and a haze of smoke grenade fog, police found two children stuck underneath a 12-foot jon boat. Six other children were found in the backyard pool suffering from hypothermia. All of them were transported immediately to the local hospital. It was confirmed that one of the children suffered a broken ankle after collapsing during the boat-carrying contest. It is being reported that he has been trying to leave the hospital ever since he arrived and is repeatedly screaming, “Who’s gonna carry the boats?” 

Apparently, the dads had been planning the 10-year-old’s birthday party since the formation of their dad club last fall. The “Shadow Lions Club” is now being charged with child neglect and endangerment among other charges. In what the men refer to as HQ (a wooden shack in the back of the property), police found walls full of Jocko Willink and David Goggins posters. It appears the club members had some sort of heavy admiration for the servicemen. After some quick research, it also appears the homeowner, nor any of his friends ever served in the military.

It seems the hard mentality that Jocko Willink and David Goggins have pushed on their platforms is now trickling down into the American dad. As the average dad has mostly lived a soft life of high thread count sheets and endless food options, the appeal to be something more has never been greater in America. Unfortunately, there seems to be a disconnect between real military hardness and suburban hardness. Waking up at 6 am in a safe and comfortable suburban home, hitting a 5-mile run in your $200 sneakers, and working from home the rest of the day isn’t quite what Goggins has been referring to as hard.

Jocko Willink is a former US military commander, who has amassed a large following with his podcast, books, and leadership appearances. He pushes the idea of extreme discipline in all things. This includes taking great workout pictures and uploading them to a program that posts them at 4 am for you. David Goggins is also a decorated Navy Seal who is undeniably one of the hardest humans on the planet. So hard it’s hard to describe the hardness. 

Eddie Bravo was available to comment on the breaking news saying, “Look into it.”

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