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Mark Zuckerberg doesn’t tap

    Mark Zuckerburg doesn’t tap out. The skilled martial artist has shown physical and mental toughness. Even after losing over $70 billion the past 12 months. It seems to have only motivated the young CEO and MMA fighter. The Metaboss of Facebook and Instagram may have just revealed the first page of his own Rocky comeback story, and he did it in quite a memorable way this past Saturday night.

    Bruce Buffer grabbed everyone’s attention immediately following the main event when he stiff legged a Buffer 360 center Octagon and gloriously belted out, “The moment none of you have been waiting for… It’s Time!!! The undefeated champ of the Meta-Jitsuverse, Mark ‘Your account has been suspended for 30 days’ Zuuuccckkkerrrrburg.” The 38 year old CEO, who had been sitting shirtless in the front row, gorilla swaggered through the cage side door and immediately hit two granby rolls taking center Octagon himself. He was then presented with a gold strap of his own. Good friend and UFC President, Dana White placed The BMF Belt v.2.0 on Mark’s 25.5 inch waist. After the two mega bosses compared each other’s foot size, Dana left Mark center Octagon with Joe Rogan to ask the new champ what this was all about.

    Then to Rogan’s confusion and to the crowd’s delight, Zuckerberg dawned a sleek black and red tipped headset with Meta symbol embossed on the front. The social media titan, swiped his hand in the air in front of himself, made a fist, and muttered what sounded like an “Oss..” He then began scrambling around the cage shooting for imaginary double-legs before flopping to his back circling his feet one way then another. Joe stared aghast at the technical guard mime routine while pulling elk jerky from his fanny pack. 

    All became clear when the jumbo screens above blinked on to show a POV feed of a grappling match with none other than Gordon Ryan. There were audible gasps from the arena as the view showed Ryan easily swept, passed, and submitted with a pressure tap. The triumphant Meta champ rose from the mats and he beat his chest in celebration. He then took off the headset, drew an envelope from his pocket and handed it to the stunned Rogan. Joe tore open the envelope and showed the cameras and crowded a single word scrawled on the slip of paper… “SMASH”.  

    This isn’t the first time Mark and Joe have been on the mats. Last month, Zuckerburg appeared on the Joe Rogan Experience discussing martial arts, technology and surfing. It’s rumored that after the episode Mark and Joe got on the mats and Mark tapped Joe with a jiu-jitsu submission he invented called, “the zuckchoke” multiple times. Fortunately for Joe, Mark kept it standing when speaking with his jiu-jitsu brethren during this post-fight interview. After Joe congratulated the newly crowned BMP v.2.0 Champ, Mark introduced the world to the real-time evolution of martial arts – The Meta-Jitsu. 

    Zuck took the mic. “Meta-Jitsu is the ultimate grappler’s paradise,” Mark explained to Joe while jiu-jitsu superstar Nicky Ryan massaged his shoulders. “Imagine a world where Jiu-Jitsu is available literally anywhere and everywhere. A world where the analytical gamer can become one with the black belt jiu-jitsophical mind and they can express their artistic creativity in the most advanced and technical way possible.” Similar to how Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu evolved from Karate, Mark Zuckerberg is giving the world a real look at the next step of martial arts evolution. “Meta-Jitsu is a headset designed with 14D Virtual Augmented Reality Extra with Neuralinked Danaher Jiu-Jitsu implants. Each device comes with full access to the entire Meta-Jitsuverse for life. Because we all know, M-jits is for LIFE, Ooss.” While most of the audience wasn’t able to follow the hairless chested and shredded CEO, he was able to provide an analogy that gave most immediate understanding and clarity. “It would be like putting on a pair of swim goggles and you are suddenly competing at the ADCC in the championship super fight! Except that you have John Danaher inside of your brain and you have a body like a hyper juiced PED athlete or like Gordon Ryan.” 

    “You can virtually compete at any venue from Medusa to the ADCC. It even comes with a  beginners area titled IBJJF. You can speed things up or slow things down to be able to completely understand all technical aspects and every moment of  jiu-jitsu without the dire physical consequence of actually doing it. The headset gives full access to the Meta-Jistuverse which provides immediate access to every move and submission ever created, the entire history of Jiu-Jitsu, all Gracie Diet Recipes and every expired discount code to Shoyroll that has ever existed.”

    Mark briefly shared the data that showed that using a Meta-Jitsu headset for just 8 hours a day can increase your jiu-jitsu belt rank by two levels overnight. He continued to explain that while Meta-Jitsu’s popularity is projected to outgrow real jiu-jitsu within 2 years, he still wants there to be a place “the zuckchoke” can be applied on people in real life. After Nicky Ryan finished with concentrated thumb pressure to Mark’s left calf, Mark thanked Nicky for the partnership that they formed to help bring Meta-Jitsu to life. “None of this would have been possible if Nicky and the B-team didn’t come to my aid after I lost billions of dollars this year. They understand what if like to be a loser. Nicky and I really connected over flow rolling and then playing video games all day. I’m thankful for the partnership and the vision we both had to bring this to reality.”

    The Meta-Jitsu device will be available early next year. Currently, “Marky Mark ZuckDaddy”  is the BMF v0.20 champ since he is the only user allowed into the MetaJitusverse. Mark guarantees Meta-Jitsu will improve your submission game without actually doing any jiu-jitsu. With the Meta-Jitsu belt system rolling out next year, competition for real jiu-jitsu schools is more real than ever. Pre-sales are through the roof and it looks like we’ll have millions of Meta-Jitsu black belts by this time next year.  

    In a related story, sources close to Eddie Bravo say he is no longer in talks with Valve for a 10th dimension Jiu-Jitsuverse VR program – citing that “People should look into it.”

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