By Josh Oldfield
Remember when your guidance counselor said you were a unique snow flake and then had you take a bunch of tests that revealed you were an INTJ, Labrador, Adaptive Peace Maker with a Quality Time Love Language? That battery of assessments is what destined you for an exciting life as an Junior Vice President of Quality Control or a Social Media Influencer (AKA barista). But little did your counselor know that you can tell ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING there is to know about a person by what type of Jiu Jitsu guard they play most. SO! Here’s what your favorite guard says about you:
The sign on your farmers market table says “Free hugs with or without a purchase.” Folks seemed really into that last batch of rosemary hemp kombucha. You totally brought cat yoga to the neighborhood but you don’t need credit for it. Your spiritual advisor also organizes your ultimate frisbee league. Namaste.
After 6 weeks of research, you bought a reasonably priced, late model sedan with one owner, a clean Carfax, and excellent resale value. 31 MPG highway is nothing to sneeze at. Janet, your office manager, looked kind peeved when you asked for your W-2 on January 15. This weekend you’re going to paint the whole downstairs in Eggshell White from Valspar but you might do a few accent walls. With these interest rates, you’re thinking about refinancing.
Bright lights and loud noises trigger your agoraphobia. So, it’s a good thing you always carry an extra inhaler. You’d like to speak to the parents of those kids riding scooters without helmets and pads but they might find out it’s you and egg your house or something. Life, auto, renter’s short-term disability, long-term care, tidal wave, earthquake… You’re single handedly putting your insurance agent’s kid through grad school.
Your landlord is being a real douche about last month’s rent. But you 100% showed him all the data about AMC/GME and why you can’t sell your shares right now. It’s not your fault the hedge fund managers are manipulating the market so they don’t have to cover. Dude, it’s none of his business how much you spent on edibles last week. Your orthopedist says your MRI doesn’t make medical sense.
Let us pray… “Great Father Helio, provider of all grappling knowledge throughout the cosmos, giveth unto me, thy humble servant, the ability to grasp this collar and nestle him unto my bosom until the seas dry up and the sun is extinguished. In your mighty name… OSS…” You watched a Youtube technique video once and thought to yourself, “Why do they even make gi’s that aren’t white anyway…?”
Your favorite shirt says “I can fix that.” in duct tape. The majority of your socks don’t have a mate. You watched Breaking Bad and now you low-key want to buy a Pontiac Aztec. Screw the HOA! It’s YOUR yard you’ll cut it when YOU want to! You can make a bong out of ANYTHING! Because, who cares what it looks like as long as it works.
Don’t see your favorite guard yet? Are you worried there is no place for you in this world and you’ll be doomed to wander the wastelands in solitude? Fret not, my friend! If you didn’t find your tribe in Part 1, don’t sweat it, Part 2 has you covered, for sure!