By Josh Oldfield
Part 2
It’s said that the Guard is what truly sets BJJ apart from all other martial arts. And as we stated in Part 1, the specific and nuanced way you choose to wrap your legs around another human is absolutely the definitive trait that determines everything in your life from how you like your eggs to which loved one you would choose to save if two were dangling from a cliff. So, here’s part 2 of what your favorite guard says about you:
Spider Lasso
Jill says you’re smothering her but, seriously, WHO IS SHE TEXTING after 10 pm anyway?! “You’re going where? With who? You’ll be back when? And you’ll call when you get there, right? Can I make you something to eat first?… Are you mad at me?” Listen, you just want what’s best for her and there’s NOTHING wrong with that. Your mom’s probably right, she’ll come around eventually.
Knee Shield
Coffee? Black. Shirt? Tucked. Pronouns? GET OFF MY LAWN! Facebook is different every time you get on. Your daughter doesn’t call anymore because of what you said to her ethnic boyfriend at thanksgiving. Now who’s going to help you figure out how to pay your Verizon bill online? You always order a hamburger at the Mexican restaurant. It’s probably time for you to get another pair of those New Balance sneakers you like.
Worm Guard
Avocado toast? SOOOOOOO 3 years ago… You’re now part owner of a pop-up dry ramen restaurant that’s open when it’s open. And, no, you don’t have any hot water (eye roll). Your friends don’t know if you’re listening to Huey Lewis ironically or unironically. And secretly, you don’t know either.
Deep Half
The black jelly beans are your favorite. You keep a box of old nail clippings. That hot girl stopped messaging you on Instagram after you gave her your SS#. She’s probably busy on a photo shoot or something… You don’t know why the guy at the urinal next to you doesn’t want to chat.
De La Riva
“Hey Coach, just wondering is the gym Wi-Fi gluten-free?” OMG, the title to that article was so poignant you just HAD to send it to everyone. You haven’t had time to read it yet but you will soon. You find Keanu Reeves problematic. Also, should we even be appropriating these techniques from South America that they appropriated from Asia?! Two appropriations don’t make it appropriate.
Single Leg X
The Red Hot Chile Peppers are playing in Columbia next Friday but you can’t cross state lines because you still have 8 weeks of probation left. Your P.O. is being such a little b@#&* about it. It was a BS charge anyway… How were you suppose to know you couldn’t pee there?! Don’t forget to charge the battery for your Sawzall, those catalytic converters aren’t gonna steal themselves.
Open Guard
Hannah is a great girl… beautiful, smart, fun, and just really, really cool. But she wanted to move in and … well … it’s really not a good time. Listen, if you’re both still single at 35 you’ll make a go of it. But she wants too much right now. You haven’t answered her last 5 texts.
Think we were way off? Not likely…
You’re either lying to yourself or just playing the wrong guard.